THE DEVIL’S PEN
You may have read the advance review we received from Scottish publishers Angus, Angus & Angus, of my and Kevin’s text novel (OUR FIRST REVIEW FOR READ EM AND WEEP 1: Serial Killer!) and their subsequent response to our publishing it (ANGUS ANGUS & ANGUS DEMAND AN APOLOGY).
Fearing that things could get out of hand, Kevin decided to handwrite a letter to Angus, Angus & Angus, believing his personal touch would head off their threat of taking legal action. We’ve just received their reply:
Subject: An insult to penmanship and the Scottish nation
Date: 5 October 2016 08:30:00 GMT+01:00
To: Kevin O’Neill
Dear Mr. O’Neill,
I cannot say we were pleased to receive your letter. We are a progressive firm, not subject to old-school blackmail written in BIRO: the devil’s pen! Your rantings about shortbread and tartan do not amuse us; we leave such humour to our (former) staff. As a fellow Celt by association, we are duty bound to advise you to see a doctor. As an Englishman, we look on you with great pity – as a veterinarian might.
Our solicitors, Caber Caber & Toss, inform us that you and Mr Mills will escape prosecution only by the narrowest margin, and only by a loophole in your inferior English law. Take heed, Mr O’Neill, we have an Angus division in America who can make life rather difficult for you. Indeed, Mr Rory Angus has gone so far as to bring down the Black Ledger and enter your name in it. Entered not in pencil for a mild rebuke, Mr O’Neill, but in INK, as a permanent stain on your character, such as it is.
Mr Mills narrowly avoided this fate, owing to our grudging affection for the author of the once popular Haggis Twins, and the long-running Heather Did Not See The Penny. Your ravings about our national heritage all being “made up” by Sir Walter Scott we will not honour with a reply, and could not show to Mr Rory Angus, owing to his valve trouble putting him on a short fuse.
Think on, Mr O’Neill, perhaps a new profession, one more suited to your native skills. May we suggest ditch digging. Its fresh air and hardship would go some way to making US feel better.
May the Lord have mercy on your soul, for WE do not.
Acting Angus (Snr.)